stressed? depressed?

i'm not going to lie, this post is mainly geared at me. but i'm going to pretend that somebody else is reading this post and that somebody else needs this post so that i can give myself the advice that i would give them.

1. it doesn't matter what the truth is
a lot of people will tell you that nobody talks about you behind your back as much as you think they do and you'll still know that they do indeed. they'll say that no one gives a damn about when you mess up or do something embarrassing, but some people might. the thing is, though, you don't know, and you won't, and over thinking other people's feelings for you is one of the worst things that you can do. maybe some days you look awful and disgusting and repulsive and some days you're the hottest and people always comment on days of the first sort about how bad you look and you don't know whether you're actually attractive or not. it doesn't matter. and maybe you could get your shit together and "get over" your anxiety, and maybe you aren't "trans enough" but IT DOESN'T MATTER WHETHER OR NOT THE SHITTY THINGS LIKE THAT THAT YOUR BRAIN SAYS ARE OBJECTIVELY TRUE OR NOT. you can make them your own equivalent of false if you refuse to acknowledge them, and you'll be much happier for it.

2. you are not the same person or in the same place that you were five minutes ago
calm down. chances are that nothing is happening at the current moment. your life is moving forward and so is everyone else

3. you are not "the sort who doesn't make it"
nothing nothing nothing about you (personhood-wise) is different from any other person and you could be anybody else and that's both relieving and terrifying but it means that there is no reason that you can't become any sort of person who you want to. you weren't born without the qualifications to be a good person or a good friend or mentally stable or successful or likeable.

4. there is some part of you that loves yourself
sometimes i feel REALLY repulsed by my existence and i want to rip myself out of my body and be as far away from myself as possible but the things about me that i hate are mostly not actually me- it's things that i've said/done wrong- and really, i don't entirely hate myself. i know that sometimes i feel incredibly happy to be me. but when i'm really depressed, i convince myself that those moments never happened. remember that they did.

lastly,

5. you are functional
you are still functioning, so by definition.... i know i KNOW i know that it's easy to think that you are the most screwed up unstable and hopeless person in human existence, but you aren't. you can do it.


i love you <3

-lem